It’s a quarter after one, and I know that I should be in bed, but honestly, I’m a little “touched out” right now, and it’s nice to not be touching anyone…. no baby, no Baker, and no dogs. Selfish? Perhaps. Am I feeling guilty? Nope.
Finn is six weeks now, and the boy just wants to eat. I am told that he is probably in a growth spurt, which I get, but my bruised nipples are a little less understanding. And speaking of body parts: I wasn’t quite ready for the war zone that is now my body.
I have always had a nice flat tummy and it isn’t back to normal yet. Remember how I told you that I got those pesky stretch marks? They are still there, and they kind of hurt. I am pretty sure I won’t be wearing a two-piece any time soon. Also, after a c-section, do you realize that you lose feeling around the incision? And that it can take a decade for the feeling to come back, if it ever does? I guess it makes sense because they do have to cut through the nerves to get to the baby, but I never really thought about it before. It’s a very strange feeling, and it makes my, ahem, “personal grooming” quite a new experience. Coupled with the fact that my tummy isn’t flat anymore (will it ever be again?!?) and I am a nervous wreck when it comes to getting a razor anywhere near there. I have stopped fearing that I will accidentally reopen my incision site, which I think is progress, but now it takes so much longer and is so much more involved than it ever was before.
And the skin. Oy. I am broken out like a teenager, especially on my neck (!) and shoulders. It sucks. I feel like a hot mess, and I haven’t even attempted to try on any pre-baby clothes yet, so I am still wearing elastic waisted pants. Mostly pajama pants. Thankfully my sister clued me into the nursing tanks they have at Target, which are like camisole tops, but with easy “tear-away” panels so baby can get to the boob without too much hassle.
Since we moved away from Sacramento, I haven’t had a decent hair cut in three years. They still charge the same in this little town, but the skills sure leave something to be desired. I have decided to take the bull by the horns (and to pump a little extra) so next weekend I am going to get a cut and color by my guy in Sacramento. He’s available on Saturday, so we are going to take a trip, have Baker stocked up with bottles of expressed milk so I can fully enjoy a couple hours to make myself look a little more human again. Seriously, I have about 10 months worth of roots, and it isn’t a great look. Once I get the hideous haircut fixed (I sure hope my guy can fix these 80s bangs that girl gave me), and maybe a couple outfits to make me feel purty again, and I will be a new woman.
I am not quite used to this new “mom” identity yet. Maybe it’s because we haven’t really gone out too much, so I haven’t had much opportunity to use it, but it still feels strange to say that I am someone’s mother. When I was in the hospital, I had to fill out paperwork for the new baby, and it asked what my relationship to the patient was. I wrote in “Mother” and then I started to bawl. I wasn’t sad about it, but the reality hit me then…. I am someone’s mother. Everywhere I go, there are mothers, but I have never been a part of that club. I am now, and it feels weird. Kind of like a new pair of shoes: you know they are the right size, and you love them, but they don’t quite fit like your old Vans.
I like thinking of myself as a mother. I like it a lot, actually. I am crazy in love with this new guy, and every time I start to feel tired, the little guy knows and treats me to one of his smiles, and it’s like a shot of energy…. It makes the tired go away and it makes me feel all happy and gushy inside. I just wonder when I am going to feel like a mother.
Several unexpected things have come of having this baby. I feel differently about Baker. Good different. Even when we are tired and snipping at each other, we are aware that it isn’t just us anymore, and we have a new person in our lives that is going to pick up every thing that happens between us. When a fight is gonna start, we are able to step back, see what’s going on, and figure it out without having a fight. In the past, both of us have had a tendency to be very stubborn, but now neither of us feels that need to be right, and we are able to work through any issues without any issues. It makes life so much more fun. And I love seeing her this in love with him. I love the way she is with him.
I also understand my sisters better, and I feel closer to them than I ever have in my life. I have two older sisters, and they each have two children of their own. When I would get a new niece or nephew (I have 7 now, including my niece that was born three days ago) I automatically loved them differently than I loved other kids. I mean, I would meet kids, and like them, but a picture of my nephew would make my heart expand. And now that I have a son of my own, I understand what my sisters have gone through (well, my brothers too, but the bond feels stronger with my sisters). I have never been particularly close with my sisters, we have always gotten along, but now I can call them and get advice from them and talk with them, commiserate with them. It’s really wonderful, but it does make me miss them so much more. I skyped with my oldest sister the other day, and it was so great being able to see her in person, and that she could see Finn in something other than pictures.
I just blasted you with several random thoughts…. sorry about that. It’s even later now, and even though when I began typing, I was done with being touched for the day, a little time has passed (30 minutes) and I am missing my family (Ack! I have a family now! That’s so weird!) so I am going to wrap this up.
Sweet dreams, darlings!